Tranquility

Hello guys,

How have you guys been so far? Its been a long journey since I've first arrived here in Melbourne. I met a lot of people and I learned a lot too. Its just a month away until I graduate from Foundation studies. I'm off to study psychology on February at the same university. I only have a month worth of break and I'd have to come back to Melbourne.

The first year has been full of ups and downs. Thankfully I was able to manage. I hope my friends were able to do the same too where they're studying.
I don't wanna be all deep and depressing in this post so I'll just pretend I'm talking to you directly.

It's been really hot here in Melbourne, presumably since summer is finally here. It was 40 degrees yesterday and thankfully earlier this evening it rained. I wonder how the weather is back in KK....
A lot will be happening since its near the end of the trimester as well as since christmas and new year is just around the corner. I just can't wait for the course to end so I can enjoy cheap food and drive around the city like I'd normally do in KK.

This trimester, I only have to sit for 3 exams and do one final oral examination for a research design project. My flight is on Saturday but my last paper would be on Thursday. Better enjoy the few days before going back to Malaysia I guess. heh.

That's it for this post.
I wish you guys a happy holiday.

The Sky

Hello guys,

I know its been awhile.

I bet everyone have had those moments where you just feel empty in your heart.

It won't show when you're around people, it shows only when you're at the comfort of your room where you sit alone as your mind wanders to a place unreachable by man.

T

H

E

S

K

Y

To be honest, I don't really know why I named this post as "The Sky". It just happens to me that whenever my mind drifts into the darkness; there's one thing that I would always do. I look towards the sky. When I need comfort, I just look up and see how vast the sky is. When I feel like giving up, I look up to the sky and say to myself, that's the place I belong. No doubt my journey reaching there is filled with obstacles that I have to reroute myself for the sake of my family as well as myself.

Like all things have two sides; light and dark, hope and despair and many other things you can think of. Its the same for the sky. In the morning, you can see that the sky is a sign of hope for another chance to redeem yourself for the past and when its at night; even in the darkness there's light.

_______________________________________________________

You're lost. Your mind is adrift. All you feel is a hole inside your heart. A hole that can be felt by you and you only. You don't know what to feel. Everything seems to darken as you try to take control of yourself. The only way is to give in...

A moment after, your tears come flowing down. You feel the warmth of the tears; drop.  Its okay to feel sad. Its okay to feel empty. Even if there's no reason behind it. 

That's it for this one guys,

take care.

Shades of the Dying Tulip

Like a wilting flower, you grow weaker day by day.
Petal by petal, they dry off and fall. Just like how your spirit is.
No matter how hard you try to be strong, lifting your head and
chin from facing the pavement; perhaps you've been strong for too long.

For something that stood sternly and aimed nothing but to reach the sky,
you indeed have grown weak. The dew drops that is hanging on the edge
 of the leaf every dawn, feeling of wanting to hold it on and keep it in.
It falls, every time you try to, you have no control over it.
Those drops are like pearls; as precious as it is, sometimes its better to let go.

Again

The world is moving so fast that you're not really sure

where you're standing at the moment. Everything is just too much for you to handle.

Its almost as if the world is suddenly becoming unfair, why only now?

And at times you feel that nobody can understand you;

nobody is there to stand by you when you need someone the most.

You're surrounded by people but all you can hear is the thoughts raging inside

your mind. Insecurity, loneliness & lost. Yes that's the word I was looking for....

L o s t.

I remembered about how it is;

when everything seems to be going well, its only the matter of time

for the wheel to turn and make everything upside down.

Who knows right?

This change that I have right now,

its good but at the same time I miss how it was back then.

All of those negative and deep thoughts running down from my veins to the edge

of my fingertips and onto writing.

Confused. I am so confused.

You suddenly don't know if you're doing the right thing,

although its what you've dreamt for since you're 15. 

Why must everything be so complicated when it seem so simple on the outside.

Sometimes you just wish to run away from everything but you know

that sooner or later you have to come back to face the monster that has been chasing you

all these years. Sometimes you just feel like screaming at the top of your lungs. That monster that you thought have given up on chasing you;

you never knew because you were too afraid to look back and just kept running until you

feel like that's enough. 

Sweet 18

Officially 18.

Its been 18 years, officially 18 years since I first came to this world. Within this 18 years I have managed to befriends with many good people and each are unique in their very own way. I wouldn't be where I am today it weren't for God Almighty and support from families and friends.

I never imagined myself to be studying abroad, to be able to be independent, to be writing, and much more when I was small. This is it, you can never foresee what's there for your future, all you have is the present and the present is all you need to make a better future. 

I feel thankful to have friends in Melbourne who are just awesome in every way. A surprise birthday song by the end of my psychology class was something I didn't expect to happen. Thanks to Darren, a friend of mine from Sibu. You know how awkward it is to have people singing a happy birthday song to you. I just smiled and didn't make eye-contact with anyone to avoid further awkwardness. Indeed this is a birthday worth remembering. A Korean friend of mine bought me dinner at Papparich and spent me a good ol time at the karaoke place. An Indonesian friend of mine bought me a boxful of cupcakes, the one in the lovely photo I prepared for you guys.

Love yourself, love the people around you and not to forget, love your family.

I know I posted this a day after my birthday, but I was too busy with friends. *haha*

Happy Birthday to anyone who's birthday is today!

Knowing

Sometimes you feel like you want to turn back time if you knew what you know now.
Its so hard sometimes, especially when you're making life changing decisions.

You don't want to be a burden to those around you,
so you put on a big smile everyday,
and all that turns when you're back in your own space.
Alone.

Missing

                                       People change,

                                       Hearts change,

                                       Minds change.

Nothing in this world will stay the same; something that's alive that is...

Weird how sometimes you don't realise how much you've changed yourself.

Sometimes you become more loving, more excited, more....

Well... just more unlike yourself...

Have you ever felt like theres a hole inside your heart?

Something's missing but you just don't know what?

Always blaming on yourself for the mistakes you've made in the past?

You will always be haunted by it... but you just have to live with it.

Take it as a lesson for what you shouldn't do next time you're in a 

similar situation. 

Why is it so hard to open your heart for another?

You know that you should try trusting someone once more,

try letting them know how you really feel inside...

Having a deep conversation with someone you know who will

be able to relate to you, or might even just be there to listen to what

you're going through...

Just someone who'll learn more about you, perhaps even more than what you

might know about yourself. 

We are all a mystery, like the deep blue sea,

like an iceberg where you can only see the small peak when

there's actually a bigger, deeper side of you.

You can have a conversation all night,

telling that someone about your hopes and dreams.

What you find weird, what that person might find weird.

Knowing that you're not really alone in the world.

An old soul in a youthful body.

Not many can fathom.

Lost

Have you ever feel like you don't have a sense of direction?
Neither know whether you should keep moving forward or to turn back.
We all are bound to get lost in this vast and complicated life,
but in the end you only have God and yourself to figure out which path to take next.

I am in that phase that I don't know which route to take.
There are so many pathways but not all are assuring.
There are pathways to which will bring you excitement and joy,
tiredness and success, anxiety and self discovery.

But note that all routes, no matter which you take,
will not be an easy path.

I have to think about this carefully.

Luna's Tenebris Part 4

I'm so sorry that it took me months to finish one chapter of Luna's Tenebris.
I had a common problem for writers which is called writer's block.
I tried my best to make this new chapter so I hope you guys like it !

Depth

You can never know what someone has in mind, what they’re thinking. 

You might see them smiling but little do you know about the storm inside them.

We are all different. Some are like the inland sea; open, little to hide and shallow.

While others may be mysterious like the depth of the ocean; not knowing whatever

lurks within and is not as calm as the waters in the inland sea. 

I would, if I may, refer myself to be like the deep blue sea. As the sea is vast, 

I have yet to truly understand myself. Yet, day by day I start to learn little by

little about myself.

The problem about me being in a relationship is that I tend to take things too 

serious and I would always end up in confusion. I am not the type to think that 

everyone would be attracted to me. I might be too blinded by unsureness that 

I don’t really see what’s there in front of me. I am a coward because over the 

past relationships I’ve been in, I didn’t try to stop the other half from leaving.

 I am not heartless, I do have a heart. It’s just that I don’t know what to do when

it reaches that point…

People change, I’ve changed. I’ve learned from my mistakes and choose to 

mend myself and better myself. Sometimes I wish I would just meet someone 

who would truly understand me, better than myself...

Love?

"Love is something unfathomable, it is an illusion of reality,

some would say its magic pero totoo yan."

I am still young and a long journey still awaits. I might be young but if
I could say that my mind is older than my physical age then it is. We were
 born to this world in pairs and that path of finding each other isn’t easy as walking 
down to the market to find what you’re looking for. Like how life is, we learn by 
mistakes and by mistakes we better ourselves. Maybe this is a way  

I might be imperfect but note that everyone has their own flaws. It takes the
right person to see those flaws as something beautiful. I've learned so much
from my previous. I now know better and will treat the next better. I'm hoping
to find someone that can truly understand who I am and that will accept me for
who I am. I know how it hurts to be cheated on, ignored, given false hopes
and I will try my best to not do anything to harm the heart of someone I love.
This is to my future, my one and only, I have yet to know who you are but I am
sure that fate will find its way. I hate seeing tears fall down from a woman's cheek.
Regardless of who they are, it makes my heart feel like its been stabbed by a
sharp needle repeatedly. For that reason, I will do my best to put a smile on your face.

A message to my future :

I am sorry for doing anything wrong without me realizing and if I hurt you in
anyway. I can be so blinded at times and I can be stupid at times. But for sure I
would do everything I can to sweep you off your feet and be there for you when
you feel low. I don't fall in love easily and when I do, you will certainly be the
only one. I might not know who you are right now, but note that this heart is yearning
for your presence. I might be young at the time I'm writing this, but remember that
this came from the bottom of my heart and I hope to meet you in the near future.

Para my other half,
although hindi ko alam nasaan ka sa mundo,
gusto kong sabihin para sayo, mahal na mahal kita :)

Friendship

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy,

 they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."
-Marcel Proust

What are we to stand alone against this harsh world, we need each
other to make things easier for us to cope with the battles we have in mind.
As mentioned in TFIOS, "The world is not a wish granting factory". As sad as it may
sound, this is the reality that we face. Friends make things worthwhile. Friends
are the warmth we need when things start to get cold. They are the ones who
would make your dark days brighter. Not to mention that there are roses in the
field of flowers, you just have to be careful on which step you take.

My time here in Melbourne would have been nothing but sadness and longings
if it weren't for the friends I've met and the friends I will meet in the future. Weird
isn't it that one day you're in a new environment with no friends and family, then
a random stranger comes along and says 'hi' and somehow your days become
ever more brighter; the fact that you have friends will make a lot of difference
when you're abroad.

Two friends of mine just moved out yesterday and one of them sent a message
in our chat group saying that how devastated she felt and how she felt as if she
left something behind. Well that 'something' is actually the friends she met, the
ones who would normally eat dinner and go out together at night. I felt sad as
well knowing that I won't be seeing their faces that often now that they moved out.

This event made me think of how will I have the strength to continue my own 
journey alone ahead. Friends are the cure to when you have a heartache.
They care for you and treat you like family. Cherish your friends, no matter
where you are and where they are. Just to make sure that you don't neglect
the friends you have back home. 

Love them, cherish them and treat them well.

This is it for this post,

hope to see you again next time.

Sincerely,

Mizan Ahmad.

Used

Scarred, lifeless and tired.

You know deep inside you deserve someone who would care and cherish you for who you are.

You know you're beautiful deep inside just like a white flower in the midst of darkness.

Sometimes the ones you thought whom would be the one weren't the ones you've been looking for all a long. They don't deserve you. No matter how low you feel about yourself, never degrade yourself as for one day, for sure, someone will appreciate every single thing you do and did in life. It's tough for when you feel lonely at times and just need someone to be by your side, as people say, people who weren't there for you when you're at your lowest, don't deserve you for when you're at your highest.

Just keep in mind that you're beautiful, intelligent and strong. You can get through this minor bump in the road in life. You're strong, for sure you are, but at certain times it's okay to break down and let everything out and pull yourself back together, for this will not only calm the raging waves inside your heart but it will also make you stronger than ever.

Never ever let people use you, no matter how weak and low you feel you are, never ever let people get the best of you. You're the lock and key to your own happiness. Never let other people be in charge of the key to your happiness since there is no such thing as someone who's worth enough to hand such fragile object.

You've been bruised, your heart is scarred by the pain you've felt in the past. You know you won't let anymore harm to come. For that you're being extra cautious to whom you trust and care. 

I am here to say that I understand what you're going through,

you're not alone and you never will be.

We are strong independent individuals and we are striving to be free from all pain.

Just remember that even if there's nobody who appreciates what you do,

I will always support you and appreciate you, for everyone has a purpose in life,

we just don't know it yet.

I hope you have a good journey ahead dear reader,

Sincerely,

Mizan Ahmad.

Bruised

Sometimes you just don't know what to feel anymore.
Sometimes you feel like breaking down and never pull yourself back together.
Reality has done its work on you, you feel tired and sick of disappointments.

Your heart is already bruised by the pain from the past.
You think its already healed but yet again you're wrong.

You feel like you're never good enough.
You feel tired of trying to do your best since nobody really appreciates your hard work.

You feel like you've gained your strength to keep on moving,
but instead you fell to your knees with your bleeding heart in your hands.

How foolish can people be?
They can't oversee the faults of people,
they don't realize that you're trying your best,
they let you fall hard on the ground instead.

You know well that you're not worth fighting for,
you're not worth to keep holding on for.

People keep on giving you false hope,
in the end you get hurt instead.

You feel like protecting yourself,
you feel like you want to end this suffering,
in the end you just feel numb.

Balance

Hi readers,
I know its been awhile since I've posted anything on this blog.
I lost a part of myself which would normally express and has the wisest wisdom.
I'm trying to regain that part of myself back. I don't know how, I just will.

Selflessness is good in a way, but not always is. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. Sometimes its good to be selfish. But too much selfishness will do you no good. It depends on your situation. Sometimes giving too much to people and have less for yourself is good and sometimes its not good. Do good deeds with a condition that you've fulfilled your own desire and needs.

The balance of the world relies on two forces working together in harmony.
There is always good in someone who's bad and there is always bad in someone who's good.
It depends on how we balance them out.

Never ever leave yourself open to harm even when you trust a person that they won't hurt you.
In a way, never leave the key to your happiness in someone's hand and never ever feel that you're not worth anything. Just remember that there are billions of human beings in this world and we're all trying to find our missing halves. Although this saying is inappropriate to be used in this term but I don't have any other in mind, "Another man's trash is another man's treasure". Just remember that we're in a phase, we're still sorting out the things that we want and the things that we need. Our goals and such. A person might come along and leave you a scar in your heart, don't get sad. You can't open a heart lock with the wrong heart key. Don't get me wrong. No matter how much you want it to open your heart lock, it'll never work. You'll end up hurting yourself. In this matter, just stay positive and say to yourself the right one is yet to come.


In this brief lifetime of living in this world which is millions, if not billions years old, I've learned about so many things and my mind have seen what potentials and mistakes I've made. I tend to correct my mistakes in hope to not repeat it again. Patience is something I have to train myself to have. Dealing with people is not an easy task, yet we do it everyday.

I wish you guys a good day and a good rest.

Sincerely,
Mizan Ahmad.

Permanent

I guess I have improved by far in regards to controlling my depression and anxiety.
I am too deep in slumber that I had nearly forgotten about the pain and the past.
This is not a good thing, I'm letting myself drift further away into the path of regrets.
I now realized that my old self was wise but I am now turning into a fool.
I have no words for what I feel now.

Perhaps there is,
just one word;
numb.

Life

Its been 10 days since I've arrived here in Melbourne,

lets just say that everything here is doing well for me.

Unlike the posts I'll be writing for sunriseatdownunder,

I won't go through places and lifestyle in this blog.

This is still and will always be my personal blog which I

will post up rants, writings and pretty much like how I normally do.

It does feel weird to not being able to see familiar places and faces

but I've gained a lot of experience and new friends from a variety of backgrounds here.

I won't forget those back at home, don't worry.

Friends with me will be friends for life.

I'll remember all those good deeds you've made to me.

College life has already begun and it was really an exciting thing for me.

I just can't wait for the subjects that I'll be taking in the third trimester

which is Applied Psychology.

Perhaps why I took this one instead of business and creative writing is

that I'm still unsure on whether to pursue aviation or psychology.

Since I'm able to experience what its like studying psychology first hand,

I would take that chance to make me think clearly on the pathway I'm going.

I think that's it for today, until next time.

Thanks for reading.

Fashion

Hello people,

As most of you would've known by now, my new blog will be all about fashion and lifestyle.

Truthfully, I've always wanted to start a fashion blog but I've never had the chance to go on with it.

Well I guess its true that one thing leads to another that me moving to Melbourne would mean me pursuing my personal goals and ambitions.

I may not have much knowledge for now, but the world is a vast place filled with people and knowledge. I know that if you just believe, things will fall the way you hope for it to be. With the correct mindset that is. Well, making the first step is always the hardest right? 

I hope you guys will enjoy my new blog as much as you do on this one. Time sure flies fast,

two more weeks before pursuing my studies!

Wishing you guys a good day,

Mizan Ahmad.

Luna's Tenebris Part III Flos

The birds sang a glorious melody that woke me up from my slumber. I opened my eyes slowly to see him still in the couch. A smile carved on my face as I remembered the way he kissed my hand the night before. My heart rate tripled its pace as I saw him lay asleep there with the sunlight that was coming from the window next to him. He shone like an angel. Perfectly still. The sound of the bed spring woke him up as I was about to get up to put a blanket over him.

“Good morning, my Lady,” he said while rubbing his eyes.

“Good morning to you too,” I was trying to get off the bed and stand but it seemed like I hadn’t heal fully from the drop.

“Do you need help? Should I call the nurse?”, his face showed only signs of worries.

I shook my head and said, “Never mind, it’s okay. I can do this.”

……………………………………………………………..

My phone rang, it was Kate again. She panicked when she knew that I was admitted to the hospital. She was around the area and decided to visit me since no relative of mine were around. She was like family to me. We grew up together in a small town a few kilometres from where I live now. I had nobody else now…

Arthur stood up as soon as I hung up the call.

“Where are you going?” it came out more like a shout.

“I should be going now since your friend will come over soon.”

“I think it would be good for me to pay for your deeds, how about dinner?”

“Dinner? Miss Vasiliev, don’t worry on paying my deeds since I did what I thought was wise.”

Disappointments washed over me when words pierced my heart like a thousand needles. It must have shown on my face, he must’ve had noticed.

“Saturday, around 7pm. I’ll pick you up, my lady” he handed over his card to me.

Weird as it was, the card had the same symbol as his tattoo. What does this symbol represent?

I’d seen it before. I was sure of it.

……………………………………………………………..

Kate entered the room minutes after Alex went away. Kate was holding something in her hand, a box. I recognize that box straightaway, it was decorated with pictures of flowers, red and pink roses. It was back when we were a child that Kate’s mother brought us to go to the town for grocery shopping. Kate and I were strolling around the decoration aisle when we found this beautiful box. Kate’s mother was reluctant to buy it for us at first, she changed her mind after a few minutes of annoyance from both her friend’s daughter and hers. We used it to store ‘precious’ items; mostly junks that we found from strolling in the woods.

Kate sat down near my bed and opened the box. This was part of my childhood that I will always cherish, although my past was still blurry to me, I could still recall good memories that came by. I lost my parents when I was 5. Kate’s mother was a good friend of my mother so she took me in and treated me as her own. She started acting weird when I was 15. She mentioned that I was a curse and that I should’ve died along with my parents. She was then put into a mental institute for delusional disorder when I was 16. I could still recall what she said when she was dragged away by two men dressed in white, “The darkness is after you Luna, they came for me and they will come for you!” Kate and I had to move in with her uncle, not long after I turned 18, Kate’s mother killed herself in her room by hanging herself. That was the day that both Kate and I had to toughen ourselves up and be strong independent young women.

Remembering all those bad memories, I didn’t want to see what was inside the box. That was until…..