Paper Boat

Drifting as the current carries you away. Not knowing where you would end up at but one thing for sure is that you are actually going somewhere. No control over your directions, you feel as if you are powerless and empowered at the same time. The skies turn dark and the waves are crashing harder than before. You wonder upon whether you would survive this. You look back at land and saw that there is nothing there to keep you from drifting even further away. All hopes and dreams faded the moment you were folded into the shape that you are. Just as you see a ray of light coming through the gloomy sky, a rock decided to keep you anchored. You feel a sense of relief as you have a friend to keep you company while the storm passes. Yet, like the storm, the rock decides to let go of you as soon as the sky turns blue again. 

Alone yet again, drifting... slowly fading... 

Until you can no longer hold the water from entering your body. You decide to let go. 

Sinking... slowly torn...

You feel finally at peace.

Try

I don't know why I bother trying. I find it pointless now.
I don't know why I'm writing this at 3am but I just feel like writing now.
There's a high possibility of me deleting this post in the future but let's just see how it goes.

I am trying that's all I can say. I don't know how much longer will I last but we'll see.
Trying to hold on to every bit of positivity you have left in your life. I'm not sure why I even try to because it's pointless.

I really miss writing tbh. I haven't been focusing in a lot of things lately. That, too, I don't know why.
Perhaps this is my "idk" stage of my life. I feel so tired of trying to do things I couldn't be bothered now even.

I guess that's one reason why I temporarily deactivated my instagram account. Not to say that I'm trying to achieve something but just that I feel tired because I feel that there's a constant stress of expectancies even though there aren't any. One reason why I've chosen not to tell anyone when I'll be back in KK this time. I just want things to myself.

I'm not sure what I want anymore now.

Kindred

Cold, hands numb;
One can never feel such.

Alone, in the dark;
Perhaps it was meant.

Understood, no one;
Mind was too much.

Grief, lost soul;
One can never retrieve.

Sacrifice, foolishly;
Perhaps for the wrong.

Labyrinth, forever;
Mind is indeed.

Mockingbird

Leaves begin to grow as spring finally arrives. There is no more sense of winter except for the cold breeze that would sometimes pass by. Perched on a branch, you see a bright glow in the sky but yet you see not the source of where the light is coming from. You begin to wonder how is it a little creature like you would survive in this horrid world. Alone, it is as if you no longer feel the comfort of another. Perhaps that is it...

You spread your wings just to get rid of the cold feeling you begin to have, shaking away as you do. Why is must it be this way? The coldness of winter has faded but yet you still feel cold, somewhere deep inside. Filling your lungs with the morning air, you feel every inch of your lungs expanding and there you feel a lump. A lump of which you know the source of the cold. A lump inside your heart.

You have been flying alone, and that you see others but yet they do not stick around. You try your best to have them at ease with your presence but what you do not know is that they are just there to find peace themselves and so they fly away once they have had their share.

What is it about being you that somehow pushes others away? You yourself ponder upon the same question for endless nights. Are you even relevant to this world? Would it be better to wither away like the leaves in autumn? The coldness that is in your heart begins to sink in... Freezing every single inch of your heart until you now feel nothing but a mere insignificant mockingbird.

April, oh April

Hello guys,

I hope you're well. You know how sometimes your hands just feel like writing something down because you haven't done so for a long time? I'm having that moment now. I can't tell you how much I miss writing and I have been considering it a few times for the past few days. It's not like it would make a difference in my future but yeah it actually feels like I'm talking to someone. I just came to a conclusion that I am introverted. As much as I like being around with people, I just have this thing to being with myself. Excluding myself from unnecessary contact with people. It has its perks but yeah to be honest I do feel lonely sometimes. I wonder if I would even be able to find a date if I keep this up.

Which brings me to another thought I have... How would you know that the way you act around the person you deem to love to be your true self? I know that everyone have the sides that they like other people to see and there are the dark sides. It's so hard sometimes... As complicated as I deem myself to be, I might even be as simple as everyone out there. Its weird how we feel alone and so distinct but we're actually not. What we face and what others face might be different, but its the same thing. Do you get it? I find myself to not be able to show my true self to people because it's such a fragile thing to do. What you give might not always what you get back, you know? I wish it was easy to find someone that can understand you from deep down...

I have no idea what I should do to keep myself out there. Even now I feel like I've been pushing myself away from the crowd a little too much. I really do want to have a healthy social life like everyone else but its just so hard for me. I can't trust people easily. A glass comes either shattered or cracked, either way you would get hurt. Its been a long time since I've written this much huh? I surprise myself from time to time. I don't know why I'm just unmotivated to do anything for the past few weeks. I am not depressed, well at least from what I can tell so far...

As much as you want others to see you standing tall and chin high up, you know that you need someone to support you when you face the hard times right? To be honest I don't really know what to do anymore... I want to be confident, to be able to socialize and etc, but there's a part of me that's always saying this won't work.

This knot I have in my mind is so hard to undo. Its either me leaving it be or try to do something about it. I have to confess my weakness; I can't tolerate broken hearts or ill-treatments. I don't want to see someone get hurt because of me. I just think that I'm not good enough... That's a sucker.

I have to end it here for tonight...

I hope you guys have a good day!
Mizan Ahmad.

Memories

Hi guys,

I hope you guys are well. Now what I'm gonna write in this post is what pains me the most.You know those moments where a scent can make you remember a part of your memory? Regardless if its good or bad? Its not necessarily a scent but for me today, its a song. It reminded me of grief, heartbreak and sorrow. 

What happened was I was working earlier today and was about to finish my shift where a song came up... "I can't make you love me"

I remember hearing this song a few months ago when I was in a really complicated situation. Indeed, when the memories came back, the pain tagged along. Suddenly, after a few months of not feeling depressed about this... it sort of rose back from the dead. Its just a temporary feeling but still I bet you guys can definitely relate to this. 

That's it this time... 

Thanks for reading.

Cruelty

What do you deem as an act that's so cruel that you can actually feel your heart in pain?

Its so hard fighting your inner demons while your outer-self is fighting another battle.
Time was told to heal but no matter how long; the scars of the healed wound would remain untouched. Just as how you hurt someone, consequences will occur.

A list of what I have thought about that deserves a place in it:

1. Taking someone's time and effort just to leave them empty handed.
2. Holding onto someone with a leash just so you can feel better while knowing that someone does not deserve it.
3. Gain someone's trust just to leave it broken just like a million shards of broken glass.
4. Helping someone to get on their knees just to see them fall over again.
5. Leaving a gap in someone's life.
6. Having fun while not caring if ever the other person is suffering.
7. Make it hard for someone to learn how to trust again.

Now what I've just listed is not in any physical sense, but a more emotional and mental sense. I bet many can relate to these things listed above. Nobody deserves any of the mentioned stuff on that list. Of course it is hard for us to even imagine if we were ever to do these stuff to someone. Oh the irony...

The fact that we, ourselves are doing/had done the above mentioned cruelty is without a doubt at when we least realise it. Perhaps someone could be in denial or such, but this is agreeable to most people as for sure we have broken someone's heart before. Just to let you know how the person would feel; empty, broken, accompanied by not only grief but also the black dog which will follow him/her whenever they are alone and at their weakest.

We, under any circumstances, should avoid causing much more pain into each others' lives. Be the kind of person you'd like yourself to be. Hopefully this would shed some light to the issue of betrayal and heartbreaks.

Tick Tock The Clock Stops

Hello guys,

I hope you've been well. I've been sick for the couple of days and its my examination week.
Its just a few days before my flight back to KK. I can't wait to be back but I'm also reluctant to leave Melbourne even if its just for a month.

I've noticed some behavioural changes. Its not others but its me. I'm not sure if I'm overthinking or its those "psychology student self diagnosis" thing but yeah. Ever since I've started studying psychology, I can say that I'm more aware of my own wellbeing as well as others. Well it didn't really took me an instant to figure out if I'm currently depressed. It still took time for me to figure out what's wrong with myself or if I'm actually fine.

I noticed that I've been really impatient lately and my sleeping schedule changed as well as my appetite decreased. Maybe its the exam taking its toll on me but there are other personal stuff that happened just recently. I really wish I can help other people cope with depression and anxiety but at this stage all I can do is to be supportive to them. It takes patience but for sure, I know how it felt to be alone and not having anyone there to support me so at least I know I'm making their burden a bit less.

I'm actually not clinically diagnosed with depression, I just have that 'common cold' type of depression that comes and goes all the time and never really there to stay for a month. Well it did for a phase but I got over it years back. Now I can say that I'm currently only facing major depression (not diagnosed of course).

I know how people with depression think that nobody really understand what they're going through but the fact is that it is a common mental condition that people have. I actually overcame the hard phase by myself without really seeing a psychiatrist or a GP. Its just a gut feeling that if I avoid coffee, I don't get depressed and my body won't shake (I have a really sensitive anxiety trigger issue), in a way its also taste aversion. I also have the urge to go for a run when I feel the depression is kicking in and it did help. What I also drink when I feel my anxiety or depression kicking in is that I drink chocolate milk or any form of chocolate based drinks that I can get my hands on. People might think that "Nah these tips won't work", but trust me they do help.

Guys, if you have depression, you should try to talk about it with someone you trust. Keeping it in won't help you in anyway. That was the first mistake I did. Not trusting anyone about it. I wish you guys the best to stay mentally healthy as well as having the best time in your life.


Sincerely,
Mizan Ahmad.