"Anhedonia" is the inability to feel pleasure or a diminished interest in activities once enjoyed, characterized by a lack of motivation or joy.
This is what you start to feel (or lack of) when you feel like life has beaten you up over and over again to the point you feel like "what's the point". I hope my 2026 goes better than the last 4 years as I'm utterly incapable of handling any other storm in my way.
Not even a single comment around who I am or instructions on "how" I should be - I can tolerate them no longer.
This is not a plead for help but just an expression of hopelessness. One that I don't want to acknowledge in person. I have suffered. I have withheld. I have been degraded. Though I will stand for it no longer.
There is an element of anger, frustration, hopelessness, and hope in my midst. My head often goes back to "wouldn't it be easier to just be bad?". Being good requires constant effort, reframing your thoughts and reactions, and trying to see the light in every given scenario. Though circumstances and people don't necessarily repay you with the same...
You tried to be good, to achieve, and to be a "role model" but you still face criticisms as you experienced multiple times in your life by your narcissistic mother. For once in my life, I just want to be free from it. Be free from always having to maintain your family's image. In some moments, the random thoughts of being done with it all crosses your mind but you know deep down that you're not willing to be laid to waste.
My body aches of discontent. Of the accumulated stress. The physical manifestation of your internal state. Let's just wish that this year brings good tidings and would offer me the other end of the wheel of fortune.
