Anhedonia

 "Anhedonia" is the inability to feel pleasure or a diminished interest in activities once enjoyed, characterized by a lack of motivation or joy.

This is what you start to feel (or lack of) when you feel like life has beaten you up over and over again to the point you feel like "what's the point". I hope my 2026 goes better than the last 4 years as I'm utterly incapable of handling any other storm in my way.

Not even a single comment around who I am or instructions on "how" I should be - I can tolerate them no longer. 

This is not a plead for help but just an expression of hopelessness. One that I don't want to acknowledge in person. I have suffered. I have withheld. I have been degraded. Though I will stand for it no longer. 

There is an element of anger, frustration, hopelessness, and hope in my midst. My head often goes back to "wouldn't it be easier to just be bad?". Being good requires constant effort, reframing your thoughts and reactions, and trying to see the light in every given scenario. Though circumstances and people don't necessarily repay you with the same...

You tried to be good, to achieve, and to be a "role model" but you still face criticisms as you experienced multiple times in your life by your narcissistic mother. For once in my life, I just want to be free from it. Be free from always having to maintain your family's image. In some moments, the random thoughts of being done with it all crosses your mind but you know deep down that you're not willing to be laid to waste.

My body aches of discontent. Of the accumulated stress. The physical manifestation of your internal state. Let's just wish that this year brings good tidings and would offer me the other end of the wheel of fortune.

Stuck

Picture this...

You're in the middle of a busy street, standing frozen, unable to move.

Everyone is moving forward in every direction.

You thought to yourself that "that was me". 

And it's true that you have been moving along, sometimes even through places so crowded that you could barely walk through. But you made it work...

For some reason you're just frozen. Unable to breathe or call out for help.

You're simply stuck... held by invisible anchors that you can't seem to unlodge yourself from.

Hi readers,

A lot has happened since I posted prior to this year. I've graduated, I've finally made it. I have completed the highest level of education there is but for whatever reason I struggle to be certain about what should come next.

What's ahead of me is vast but I'm confused by which direction to take. Its almost like I've lost my sense of direction. As much as I thought I have rediscovered myself, it doesn't feel like that's the case anymore.

I wanted to pursue clinical psychology, then medicine, then academia, then content creation. So many options where my younger self would have just pushed through any given direction. I sometimes wonder what happened to that part of myself - driven, ambitious, and wouldn't take no for an answer. Have I really been beaten up in life that much to doubt every step forward? It does feel like the case sometimes.

I know what I have to do to reset myself but even taking that step is hard. 

Grief

 You thought that grief is a friend

One that you've thought you got to know more closely over the days that's gone by

You're hit with the realisation that

No matter how much you thought you have gotten to know him

You forgot that the only reason you've gone comfortable with him

Is because he was slowly stepping further away

Then you're hit with the realisation

When he comes to visit you again

That he will never be someone you get used to.

Hi readers,

I don't know if there's anyone who would still read blogs but here I am today writing. I lost a companion, a friend, and a fur baby. His name was Kuddles and I got to know him over the last two years of his 15 year life.

He was my Prince of Darkness - always grumpy but one would mistake that for dislike. Towards the end of his life, he was less so. Thinking that it was because of old age, related to personality change, but little did we know that it was him withering slowly.

In my heart, he is always going to be my fur baby whom I'll miss seeing walking in circles, staring blankly at me for food, and would fall asleep on my chest.

I hope you're in a better place now Kuddles (12/12/2025). It was a short but sweet life with you and I hope I get to see you again someday.

A Sea of People

Lost in the sounds

Gasping for air

Drowning in liquid

Feeling the emptiness

You look around and see a sea of people. Unbeknownst, the thoughts each other are trying to drown.

You sit. Pondering and looking. Trying to live through the happiness that others show. 

You are but a grain of sand. Insignificant to some extent. 

You do think, why have I come to this?  

A Book

 Knowledge, enscribed on leaves, stones, and paper.

Thousands of years yet there is no fixed cure for a pain millions endure.

Butterflies

 Butterflies are the champions of transformations. 

They bring in joy and happiness to those that see them.

Though the happiness does not come without unseen pain,

As they shed the old, and be reborn with a new.

Hi there,

I know its been awhile since I wrote anything here. Things have been hectic for sure but not without reason. Change happens but some change happens to help you move on to better things.

You are not alone. Though you may feel at times that the whole world is closing on you. Feel that your skin squirms from the pain you feel within, struggling to cope. Tell yourself that change is needed. Change will make you stronger and more beautiful than ever before.

____________________________________

Empty as the abyss you felt consuming you years ago.

Hello, old friend. It has been awhile.

Embraced by its hollow touch. It touches the deepest part of you that you have long forgotten.

The abyss has never gone away. It was just that you were distracted by beautiful things around you.

Now that they have left, you have nowhere else to look except for what's been there all this while.

You smile and stood there looking into the never ending darkness that has never left.

Hello, darkness, my old friend.

Time

Stuck. Unable to breathe. Have you ever feel like you’re insignificant in this world?

Perhaps everything is perfect but you’re unable to see the bliss that other people would be dying to be in. Maybe you’re just unhappy of yourself. What is to be unhappy about? You’ve got great company, you’re still able to put food on your table and the most important thing is you’re still breathing.

Breathe in. Take control of your thoughts. Sometimes you don’t mean it but you just feel like you’re suffocating. What can you do? There’s nothing you can’t do really. You’ve been meaning to go for a walk near the beach, or be lost in the wilderness. There’s a world out there you’re dying to explore but what is but the time that you’re lacking.

Breathe out. Gradually you feel as if the pressure in your head slowly seeps away. Making you feel more relaxed. I don’t really know what I’m doing here. You’ve been thinking about your purpose in life. What is this grand plan that is in store for you? You have no idea, guess what? Nobody really knows. You can’t possibly expect everything to be perfect in your life. You shouldn’t put expectations in other people because if you do so, you’re gonna be disappointed for sure. Just try to accept things as they are. If you’re unhappy then leave. If you don’t want anything to change then just stay.

A million thoughts come rushing into your head once more seeing how pointless it is to go through the same thing over and over again. When will it end? It ends when you care less. Be yourself, do what you want in life and don’t hold back for anyone.

Sometimes you yearn for the past things that would make you hurt just because you know now that you’re able to survive from that. Reliving old memories and listening to old songs that would conjure up the pain from the past. Is that really what you want? I guess it’s just the fact that back then things weren’t as complicated as they are now.

You want people to understand you but sometimes people are just too thick in their heads to know what exactly is going on with you in your life. They say things will be alright, you just have to stop thinking or feeling that way and you’ll be fine. Is it really that simple? Some people are just ignorant.

I wish all of you to find your way through that rough patch in life. I’m gonna stay strong and just enjoy my company while it lasts.