April, oh April

Hello guys,

I hope you're well. You know how sometimes your hands just feel like writing something down because you haven't done so for a long time? I'm having that moment now. I can't tell you how much I miss writing and I have been considering it a few times for the past few days. It's not like it would make a difference in my future but yeah it actually feels like I'm talking to someone. I just came to a conclusion that I am introverted. As much as I like being around with people, I just have this thing to being with myself. Excluding myself from unnecessary contact with people. It has its perks but yeah to be honest I do feel lonely sometimes. I wonder if I would even be able to find a date if I keep this up.

Which brings me to another thought I have... How would you know that the way you act around the person you deem to love to be your true self? I know that everyone have the sides that they like other people to see and there are the dark sides. It's so hard sometimes... As complicated as I deem myself to be, I might even be as simple as everyone out there. Its weird how we feel alone and so distinct but we're actually not. What we face and what others face might be different, but its the same thing. Do you get it? I find myself to not be able to show my true self to people because it's such a fragile thing to do. What you give might not always what you get back, you know? I wish it was easy to find someone that can understand you from deep down...

I have no idea what I should do to keep myself out there. Even now I feel like I've been pushing myself away from the crowd a little too much. I really do want to have a healthy social life like everyone else but its just so hard for me. I can't trust people easily. A glass comes either shattered or cracked, either way you would get hurt. Its been a long time since I've written this much huh? I surprise myself from time to time. I don't know why I'm just unmotivated to do anything for the past few weeks. I am not depressed, well at least from what I can tell so far...

As much as you want others to see you standing tall and chin high up, you know that you need someone to support you when you face the hard times right? To be honest I don't really know what to do anymore... I want to be confident, to be able to socialize and etc, but there's a part of me that's always saying this won't work.

This knot I have in my mind is so hard to undo. Its either me leaving it be or try to do something about it. I have to confess my weakness; I can't tolerate broken hearts or ill-treatments. I don't want to see someone get hurt because of me. I just think that I'm not good enough... That's a sucker.

I have to end it here for tonight...

I hope you guys have a good day!
Mizan Ahmad.