Anhedonia

 "Anhedonia" is the inability to feel pleasure or a diminished interest in activities once enjoyed, characterized by a lack of motivation or joy.

This is what you start to feel (or lack of) when you feel like life has beaten you up over and over again to the point you feel like "what's the point". I hope my 2026 goes better than the last 4 years as I'm utterly incapable of handling any other storm in my way.

Not even a single comment around who I am or instructions on "how" I should be - I can tolerate them no longer. 

This is not a plead for help but just an expression of hopelessness. One that I don't want to acknowledge in person. I have suffered. I have withheld. I have been degraded. Though I will stand for it no longer. 

There is an element of anger, frustration, hopelessness, and hope in my midst. My head often goes back to "wouldn't it be easier to just be bad?". Being good requires constant effort, reframing your thoughts and reactions, and trying to see the light in every given scenario. Though circumstances and people don't necessarily repay you with the same...

You tried to be good, to achieve, and to be a "role model" but you still face criticisms as you experienced multiple times in your life by your narcissistic mother. For once in my life, I just want to be free from it. Be free from always having to maintain your family's image. In some moments, the random thoughts of being done with it all crosses your mind but you know deep down that you're not willing to be laid to waste.

My body aches of discontent. Of the accumulated stress. The physical manifestation of your internal state. Let's just wish that this year brings good tidings and would offer me the other end of the wheel of fortune.

Stuck

Picture this...

You're in the middle of a busy street, standing frozen, unable to move.

Everyone is moving forward in every direction.

You thought to yourself that "that was me". 

And it's true that you have been moving along, sometimes even through places so crowded that you could barely walk through. But you made it work...

For some reason you're just frozen. Unable to breathe or call out for help.

You're simply stuck... held by invisible anchors that you can't seem to unlodge yourself from.

Hi readers,

A lot has happened since I posted prior to this year. I've graduated, I've finally made it. I have completed the highest level of education there is but for whatever reason I struggle to be certain about what should come next.

What's ahead of me is vast but I'm confused by which direction to take. Its almost like I've lost my sense of direction. As much as I thought I have rediscovered myself, it doesn't feel like that's the case anymore.

I wanted to pursue clinical psychology, then medicine, then academia, then content creation. So many options where my younger self would have just pushed through any given direction. I sometimes wonder what happened to that part of myself - driven, ambitious, and wouldn't take no for an answer. Have I really been beaten up in life that much to doubt every step forward? It does feel like the case sometimes.

I know what I have to do to reset myself but even taking that step is hard. 

Grief

 You thought that grief is a friend

One that you've thought you got to know more closely over the days that's gone by

You're hit with the realisation that

No matter how much you thought you have gotten to know him

You forgot that the only reason you've gone comfortable with him

Is because he was slowly stepping further away

Then you're hit with the realisation

When he comes to visit you again

That he will never be someone you get used to.

Hi readers,

I don't know if there's anyone who would still read blogs but here I am today writing. I lost a companion, a friend, and a fur baby. His name was Kuddles and I got to know him over the last two years of his 15 year life.

He was my Prince of Darkness - always grumpy but one would mistake that for dislike. Towards the end of his life, he was less so. Thinking that it was because of old age, related to personality change, but little did we know that it was him withering slowly.

In my heart, he is always going to be my fur baby whom I'll miss seeing walking in circles, staring blankly at me for food, and would fall asleep on my chest.

I hope you're in a better place now Kuddles (12/12/2025). It was a short but sweet life with you and I hope I get to see you again someday.

A Sea of People

Lost in the sounds

Gasping for air

Drowning in liquid

Feeling the emptiness

You look around and see a sea of people. Unbeknownst, the thoughts each other are trying to drown.

You sit. Pondering and looking. Trying to live through the happiness that others show. 

You are but a grain of sand. Insignificant to some extent. 

You do think, why have I come to this?  

A Book

 Knowledge, enscribed on leaves, stones, and paper.

Thousands of years yet there is no fixed cure for a pain millions endure.

Butterflies

 Butterflies are the champions of transformations. 

They bring in joy and happiness to those that see them.

Though the happiness does not come without unseen pain,

As they shed the old, and be reborn with a new.

Hi there,

I know its been awhile since I wrote anything here. Things have been hectic for sure but not without reason. Change happens but some change happens to help you move on to better things.

You are not alone. Though you may feel at times that the whole world is closing on you. Feel that your skin squirms from the pain you feel within, struggling to cope. Tell yourself that change is needed. Change will make you stronger and more beautiful than ever before.

____________________________________

Empty as the abyss you felt consuming you years ago.

Hello, old friend. It has been awhile.

Embraced by its hollow touch. It touches the deepest part of you that you have long forgotten.

The abyss has never gone away. It was just that you were distracted by beautiful things around you.

Now that they have left, you have nowhere else to look except for what's been there all this while.

You smile and stood there looking into the never ending darkness that has never left.

Hello, darkness, my old friend.

Time

Stuck. Unable to breathe. Have you ever feel like you’re insignificant in this world?

Perhaps everything is perfect but you’re unable to see the bliss that other people would be dying to be in. Maybe you’re just unhappy of yourself. What is to be unhappy about? You’ve got great company, you’re still able to put food on your table and the most important thing is you’re still breathing.

Breathe in. Take control of your thoughts. Sometimes you don’t mean it but you just feel like you’re suffocating. What can you do? There’s nothing you can’t do really. You’ve been meaning to go for a walk near the beach, or be lost in the wilderness. There’s a world out there you’re dying to explore but what is but the time that you’re lacking.

Breathe out. Gradually you feel as if the pressure in your head slowly seeps away. Making you feel more relaxed. I don’t really know what I’m doing here. You’ve been thinking about your purpose in life. What is this grand plan that is in store for you? You have no idea, guess what? Nobody really knows. You can’t possibly expect everything to be perfect in your life. You shouldn’t put expectations in other people because if you do so, you’re gonna be disappointed for sure. Just try to accept things as they are. If you’re unhappy then leave. If you don’t want anything to change then just stay.

A million thoughts come rushing into your head once more seeing how pointless it is to go through the same thing over and over again. When will it end? It ends when you care less. Be yourself, do what you want in life and don’t hold back for anyone.

Sometimes you yearn for the past things that would make you hurt just because you know now that you’re able to survive from that. Reliving old memories and listening to old songs that would conjure up the pain from the past. Is that really what you want? I guess it’s just the fact that back then things weren’t as complicated as they are now.

You want people to understand you but sometimes people are just too thick in their heads to know what exactly is going on with you in your life. They say things will be alright, you just have to stop thinking or feeling that way and you’ll be fine. Is it really that simple? Some people are just ignorant.

I wish all of you to find your way through that rough patch in life. I’m gonna stay strong and just enjoy my company while it lasts.

Change

Change is inevitable,

Just like how the sun will always shine

As dawn breaks,

As is how the moon will always rise

When dusk arrives.

Colder... You find yourself scrapping off fragments of your heart or what's left from the heart break.
Naked... You feel as if you were stripped off from any last bit of your pride.

Shaking... You feel your hands tremble from the anxiety of knowing.

Tears... They fall one by one. The only source of warmth you feel in your whole body.

What happened?

Trust which was given away that easily have been put into the bin by a person. A person of which you put first all the time. Sacrificing ever last bit just to put a smile on that person's face. You remember a time where you were telling yourself what not to do when you are in love with someone.

1. Never put someone's needs above your own.

2. Never change yourself to be loved by others.

3. Never forget both of the above.

Perhaps what happened before was not enough to leave a now permanent mark in your heart. What happened in the past was forgotten as does how your own words of wisdom started to fade within pages. Not until... Not until you finally get a slap in your own face for not following what you have once said to yourself before.

Time heals

For sure time will heal but a person may or may not forget. Words are spoken weaponry; used unwisely, it could damage a person entirely. For now, I'm still waiting for that moment where I would forget at least a little bit of the pain that was caused to me.

March... April... May...

Time flies doesn't it? It is now August and perhaps just two months more until my birthday. 

A day is just a day now isn't it? As I grow older I find myself to appreciate less on festivities and gatherings.

People just change

You know it in your heart no matter how hard you try to deny it,

People change and you did too...

Patience

The tenderness of the soil after rain
Would bring hope for life awaiting to sprout
The dark skies will soon be illuminated by the stars
As with your life with true love

Confused

Your heart beat sound was loud enough to hear. Hands were shaking lightly that no one could notice but you. All of a sudden you feel as if the room was 10 times smaller than it really is. Struggling to breathe, you have to go away. You were surrounded with people but could pay attention to no one but yourself. You couldn't do anything.

Paper Boat

Drifting as the current carries you away. Not knowing where you would end up at but one thing for sure is that you are actually going somewhere. No control over your directions, you feel as if you are powerless and empowered at the same time. The skies turn dark and the waves are crashing harder than before. You wonder upon whether you would survive this. You look back at land and saw that there is nothing there to keep you from drifting even further away. All hopes and dreams faded the moment you were folded into the shape that you are. Just as you see a ray of light coming through the gloomy sky, a rock decided to keep you anchored. You feel a sense of relief as you have a friend to keep you company while the storm passes. Yet, like the storm, the rock decides to let go of you as soon as the sky turns blue again. 

Alone yet again, drifting... slowly fading... 

Until you can no longer hold the water from entering your body. You decide to let go. 

Sinking... slowly torn...

You feel finally at peace.

Try

I don't know why I bother trying. I find it pointless now.
I don't know why I'm writing this at 3am but I just feel like writing now.
There's a high possibility of me deleting this post in the future but let's just see how it goes.

I am trying that's all I can say. I don't know how much longer will I last but we'll see.
Trying to hold on to every bit of positivity you have left in your life. I'm not sure why I even try to because it's pointless.

I really miss writing tbh. I haven't been focusing in a lot of things lately. That, too, I don't know why.
Perhaps this is my "idk" stage of my life. I feel so tired of trying to do things I couldn't be bothered now even.

I guess that's one reason why I temporarily deactivated my instagram account. Not to say that I'm trying to achieve something but just that I feel tired because I feel that there's a constant stress of expectancies even though there aren't any. One reason why I've chosen not to tell anyone when I'll be back in KK this time. I just want things to myself.

I'm not sure what I want anymore now.

Kindred

Cold, hands numb;
One can never feel such.

Alone, in the dark;
Perhaps it was meant.

Understood, no one;
Mind was too much.

Grief, lost soul;
One can never retrieve.

Sacrifice, foolishly;
Perhaps for the wrong.

Labyrinth, forever;
Mind is indeed.

Mockingbird

Leaves begin to grow as spring finally arrives. There is no more sense of winter except for the cold breeze that would sometimes pass by. Perched on a branch, you see a bright glow in the sky but yet you see not the source of where the light is coming from. You begin to wonder how is it a little creature like you would survive in this horrid world. Alone, it is as if you no longer feel the comfort of another. Perhaps that is it...

You spread your wings just to get rid of the cold feeling you begin to have, shaking away as you do. Why is must it be this way? The coldness of winter has faded but yet you still feel cold, somewhere deep inside. Filling your lungs with the morning air, you feel every inch of your lungs expanding and there you feel a lump. A lump of which you know the source of the cold. A lump inside your heart.

You have been flying alone, and that you see others but yet they do not stick around. You try your best to have them at ease with your presence but what you do not know is that they are just there to find peace themselves and so they fly away once they have had their share.

What is it about being you that somehow pushes others away? You yourself ponder upon the same question for endless nights. Are you even relevant to this world? Would it be better to wither away like the leaves in autumn? The coldness that is in your heart begins to sink in... Freezing every single inch of your heart until you now feel nothing but a mere insignificant mockingbird.

April, oh April

Hello guys,

I hope you're well. You know how sometimes your hands just feel like writing something down because you haven't done so for a long time? I'm having that moment now. I can't tell you how much I miss writing and I have been considering it a few times for the past few days. It's not like it would make a difference in my future but yeah it actually feels like I'm talking to someone. I just came to a conclusion that I am introverted. As much as I like being around with people, I just have this thing to being with myself. Excluding myself from unnecessary contact with people. It has its perks but yeah to be honest I do feel lonely sometimes. I wonder if I would even be able to find a date if I keep this up.

Which brings me to another thought I have... How would you know that the way you act around the person you deem to love to be your true self? I know that everyone have the sides that they like other people to see and there are the dark sides. It's so hard sometimes... As complicated as I deem myself to be, I might even be as simple as everyone out there. Its weird how we feel alone and so distinct but we're actually not. What we face and what others face might be different, but its the same thing. Do you get it? I find myself to not be able to show my true self to people because it's such a fragile thing to do. What you give might not always what you get back, you know? I wish it was easy to find someone that can understand you from deep down...

I have no idea what I should do to keep myself out there. Even now I feel like I've been pushing myself away from the crowd a little too much. I really do want to have a healthy social life like everyone else but its just so hard for me. I can't trust people easily. A glass comes either shattered or cracked, either way you would get hurt. Its been a long time since I've written this much huh? I surprise myself from time to time. I don't know why I'm just unmotivated to do anything for the past few weeks. I am not depressed, well at least from what I can tell so far...

As much as you want others to see you standing tall and chin high up, you know that you need someone to support you when you face the hard times right? To be honest I don't really know what to do anymore... I want to be confident, to be able to socialize and etc, but there's a part of me that's always saying this won't work.

This knot I have in my mind is so hard to undo. Its either me leaving it be or try to do something about it. I have to confess my weakness; I can't tolerate broken hearts or ill-treatments. I don't want to see someone get hurt because of me. I just think that I'm not good enough... That's a sucker.

I have to end it here for tonight...

I hope you guys have a good day!
Mizan Ahmad.

Memories

Hi guys,

I hope you guys are well. Now what I'm gonna write in this post is what pains me the most.You know those moments where a scent can make you remember a part of your memory? Regardless if its good or bad? Its not necessarily a scent but for me today, its a song. It reminded me of grief, heartbreak and sorrow. 

What happened was I was working earlier today and was about to finish my shift where a song came up... "I can't make you love me"

I remember hearing this song a few months ago when I was in a really complicated situation. Indeed, when the memories came back, the pain tagged along. Suddenly, after a few months of not feeling depressed about this... it sort of rose back from the dead. Its just a temporary feeling but still I bet you guys can definitely relate to this. 

That's it this time... 

Thanks for reading.

Cruelty

What do you deem as an act that's so cruel that you can actually feel your heart in pain?

Its so hard fighting your inner demons while your outer-self is fighting another battle.
Time was told to heal but no matter how long; the scars of the healed wound would remain untouched. Just as how you hurt someone, consequences will occur.

A list of what I have thought about that deserves a place in it:

1. Taking someone's time and effort just to leave them empty handed.
2. Holding onto someone with a leash just so you can feel better while knowing that someone does not deserve it.
3. Gain someone's trust just to leave it broken just like a million shards of broken glass.
4. Helping someone to get on their knees just to see them fall over again.
5. Leaving a gap in someone's life.
6. Having fun while not caring if ever the other person is suffering.
7. Make it hard for someone to learn how to trust again.

Now what I've just listed is not in any physical sense, but a more emotional and mental sense. I bet many can relate to these things listed above. Nobody deserves any of the mentioned stuff on that list. Of course it is hard for us to even imagine if we were ever to do these stuff to someone. Oh the irony...

The fact that we, ourselves are doing/had done the above mentioned cruelty is without a doubt at when we least realise it. Perhaps someone could be in denial or such, but this is agreeable to most people as for sure we have broken someone's heart before. Just to let you know how the person would feel; empty, broken, accompanied by not only grief but also the black dog which will follow him/her whenever they are alone and at their weakest.

We, under any circumstances, should avoid causing much more pain into each others' lives. Be the kind of person you'd like yourself to be. Hopefully this would shed some light to the issue of betrayal and heartbreaks.

Tick Tock The Clock Stops

Hello guys,

I hope you've been well. I've been sick for the couple of days and its my examination week.
Its just a few days before my flight back to KK. I can't wait to be back but I'm also reluctant to leave Melbourne even if its just for a month.

I've noticed some behavioural changes. Its not others but its me. I'm not sure if I'm overthinking or its those "psychology student self diagnosis" thing but yeah. Ever since I've started studying psychology, I can say that I'm more aware of my own wellbeing as well as others. Well it didn't really took me an instant to figure out if I'm currently depressed. It still took time for me to figure out what's wrong with myself or if I'm actually fine.

I noticed that I've been really impatient lately and my sleeping schedule changed as well as my appetite decreased. Maybe its the exam taking its toll on me but there are other personal stuff that happened just recently. I really wish I can help other people cope with depression and anxiety but at this stage all I can do is to be supportive to them. It takes patience but for sure, I know how it felt to be alone and not having anyone there to support me so at least I know I'm making their burden a bit less.

I'm actually not clinically diagnosed with depression, I just have that 'common cold' type of depression that comes and goes all the time and never really there to stay for a month. Well it did for a phase but I got over it years back. Now I can say that I'm currently only facing major depression (not diagnosed of course).

I know how people with depression think that nobody really understand what they're going through but the fact is that it is a common mental condition that people have. I actually overcame the hard phase by myself without really seeing a psychiatrist or a GP. Its just a gut feeling that if I avoid coffee, I don't get depressed and my body won't shake (I have a really sensitive anxiety trigger issue), in a way its also taste aversion. I also have the urge to go for a run when I feel the depression is kicking in and it did help. What I also drink when I feel my anxiety or depression kicking in is that I drink chocolate milk or any form of chocolate based drinks that I can get my hands on. People might think that "Nah these tips won't work", but trust me they do help.

Guys, if you have depression, you should try to talk about it with someone you trust. Keeping it in won't help you in anyway. That was the first mistake I did. Not trusting anyone about it. I wish you guys the best to stay mentally healthy as well as having the best time in your life.


Sincerely,
Mizan Ahmad.

Tranquility

Hello guys,

How have you guys been so far? Its been a long journey since I've first arrived here in Melbourne. I met a lot of people and I learned a lot too. Its just a month away until I graduate from Foundation studies. I'm off to study psychology on February at the same university. I only have a month worth of break and I'd have to come back to Melbourne.

The first year has been full of ups and downs. Thankfully I was able to manage. I hope my friends were able to do the same too where they're studying.
I don't wanna be all deep and depressing in this post so I'll just pretend I'm talking to you directly.

It's been really hot here in Melbourne, presumably since summer is finally here. It was 40 degrees yesterday and thankfully earlier this evening it rained. I wonder how the weather is back in KK....
A lot will be happening since its near the end of the trimester as well as since christmas and new year is just around the corner. I just can't wait for the course to end so I can enjoy cheap food and drive around the city like I'd normally do in KK.

This trimester, I only have to sit for 3 exams and do one final oral examination for a research design project. My flight is on Saturday but my last paper would be on Thursday. Better enjoy the few days before going back to Malaysia I guess. heh.

That's it for this post.
I wish you guys a happy holiday.

The Sky

Hello guys,

I know its been awhile.

I bet everyone have had those moments where you just feel empty in your heart.

It won't show when you're around people, it shows only when you're at the comfort of your room where you sit alone as your mind wanders to a place unreachable by man.

T

H

E

S

K

Y

To be honest, I don't really know why I named this post as "The Sky". It just happens to me that whenever my mind drifts into the darkness; there's one thing that I would always do. I look towards the sky. When I need comfort, I just look up and see how vast the sky is. When I feel like giving up, I look up to the sky and say to myself, that's the place I belong. No doubt my journey reaching there is filled with obstacles that I have to reroute myself for the sake of my family as well as myself.

Like all things have two sides; light and dark, hope and despair and many other things you can think of. Its the same for the sky. In the morning, you can see that the sky is a sign of hope for another chance to redeem yourself for the past and when its at night; even in the darkness there's light.

_______________________________________________________

You're lost. Your mind is adrift. All you feel is a hole inside your heart. A hole that can be felt by you and you only. You don't know what to feel. Everything seems to darken as you try to take control of yourself. The only way is to give in...

A moment after, your tears come flowing down. You feel the warmth of the tears; drop.  Its okay to feel sad. Its okay to feel empty. Even if there's no reason behind it. 

That's it for this one guys,

take care.