Butterflies

 Butterflies are the champions of transformations. 

They bring in joy and happiness to those that see them.

Though the happiness does not come without unseen pain,

As they shed the old, and be reborn with a new.

Hi there,

I know its been awhile since I wrote anything here. Things have been hectic for sure but not without reason. Change happens but some change happens to help you move on to better things.

You are not alone. Though you may feel at times that the whole world is closing on you. Feel that your skin squirms from the pain you feel within, struggling to cope. Tell yourself that change is needed. Change will make you stronger and more beautiful than ever before.

____________________________________

Empty as the abyss you felt consuming you years ago.

Hello, old friend. It has been awhile.

Embraced by its hollow touch. It touches the deepest part of you that you have long forgotten.

The abyss has never gone away. It was just that you were distracted by beautiful things around you.

Now that they have left, you have nowhere else to look except for what's been there all this while.

You smile and stood there looking into the never ending darkness that has never left.

Hello, darkness, my old friend.

Time

Stuck. Unable to breathe. Have you ever feel like you’re insignificant in this world?

Perhaps everything is perfect but you’re unable to see the bliss that other people would be dying to be in. Maybe you’re just unhappy of yourself. What is to be unhappy about? You’ve got great company, you’re still able to put food on your table and the most important thing is you’re still breathing.

Breathe in. Take control of your thoughts. Sometimes you don’t mean it but you just feel like you’re suffocating. What can you do? There’s nothing you can’t do really. You’ve been meaning to go for a walk near the beach, or be lost in the wilderness. There’s a world out there you’re dying to explore but what is but the time that you’re lacking.

Breathe out. Gradually you feel as if the pressure in your head slowly seeps away. Making you feel more relaxed. I don’t really know what I’m doing here. You’ve been thinking about your purpose in life. What is this grand plan that is in store for you? You have no idea, guess what? Nobody really knows. You can’t possibly expect everything to be perfect in your life. You shouldn’t put expectations in other people because if you do so, you’re gonna be disappointed for sure. Just try to accept things as they are. If you’re unhappy then leave. If you don’t want anything to change then just stay.

A million thoughts come rushing into your head once more seeing how pointless it is to go through the same thing over and over again. When will it end? It ends when you care less. Be yourself, do what you want in life and don’t hold back for anyone.

Sometimes you yearn for the past things that would make you hurt just because you know now that you’re able to survive from that. Reliving old memories and listening to old songs that would conjure up the pain from the past. Is that really what you want? I guess it’s just the fact that back then things weren’t as complicated as they are now.

You want people to understand you but sometimes people are just too thick in their heads to know what exactly is going on with you in your life. They say things will be alright, you just have to stop thinking or feeling that way and you’ll be fine. Is it really that simple? Some people are just ignorant.

I wish all of you to find your way through that rough patch in life. I’m gonna stay strong and just enjoy my company while it lasts.

Change

Change is inevitable,

Just like how the sun will always shine

As dawn breaks,

As is how the moon will always rise

When dusk arrives.

Colder... You find yourself scrapping off fragments of your heart or what's left from the heart break.
Naked... You feel as if you were stripped off from any last bit of your pride.

Shaking... You feel your hands tremble from the anxiety of knowing.

Tears... They fall one by one. The only source of warmth you feel in your whole body.

What happened?

Trust which was given away that easily have been put into the bin by a person. A person of which you put first all the time. Sacrificing ever last bit just to put a smile on that person's face. You remember a time where you were telling yourself what not to do when you are in love with someone.

1. Never put someone's needs above your own.

2. Never change yourself to be loved by others.

3. Never forget both of the above.

Perhaps what happened before was not enough to leave a now permanent mark in your heart. What happened in the past was forgotten as does how your own words of wisdom started to fade within pages. Not until... Not until you finally get a slap in your own face for not following what you have once said to yourself before.

Time heals

For sure time will heal but a person may or may not forget. Words are spoken weaponry; used unwisely, it could damage a person entirely. For now, I'm still waiting for that moment where I would forget at least a little bit of the pain that was caused to me.

March... April... May...

Time flies doesn't it? It is now August and perhaps just two months more until my birthday. 

A day is just a day now isn't it? As I grow older I find myself to appreciate less on festivities and gatherings.

People just change

You know it in your heart no matter how hard you try to deny it,

People change and you did too...

Patience

The tenderness of the soil after rain
Would bring hope for life awaiting to sprout
The dark skies will soon be illuminated by the stars
As with your life with true love

Confused

Your heart beat sound was loud enough to hear. Hands were shaking lightly that no one could notice but you. All of a sudden you feel as if the room was 10 times smaller than it really is. Struggling to breathe, you have to go away. You were surrounded with people but could pay attention to no one but yourself. You couldn't do anything.

Paper Boat

Drifting as the current carries you away. Not knowing where you would end up at but one thing for sure is that you are actually going somewhere. No control over your directions, you feel as if you are powerless and empowered at the same time. The skies turn dark and the waves are crashing harder than before. You wonder upon whether you would survive this. You look back at land and saw that there is nothing there to keep you from drifting even further away. All hopes and dreams faded the moment you were folded into the shape that you are. Just as you see a ray of light coming through the gloomy sky, a rock decided to keep you anchored. You feel a sense of relief as you have a friend to keep you company while the storm passes. Yet, like the storm, the rock decides to let go of you as soon as the sky turns blue again. 

Alone yet again, drifting... slowly fading... 

Until you can no longer hold the water from entering your body. You decide to let go. 

Sinking... slowly torn...

You feel finally at peace.

Try

I don't know why I bother trying. I find it pointless now.
I don't know why I'm writing this at 3am but I just feel like writing now.
There's a high possibility of me deleting this post in the future but let's just see how it goes.

I am trying that's all I can say. I don't know how much longer will I last but we'll see.
Trying to hold on to every bit of positivity you have left in your life. I'm not sure why I even try to because it's pointless.

I really miss writing tbh. I haven't been focusing in a lot of things lately. That, too, I don't know why.
Perhaps this is my "idk" stage of my life. I feel so tired of trying to do things I couldn't be bothered now even.

I guess that's one reason why I temporarily deactivated my instagram account. Not to say that I'm trying to achieve something but just that I feel tired because I feel that there's a constant stress of expectancies even though there aren't any. One reason why I've chosen not to tell anyone when I'll be back in KK this time. I just want things to myself.

I'm not sure what I want anymore now.