April, oh April

Hello guys,

I hope you're well. You know how sometimes your hands just feel like writing something down because you haven't done so for a long time? I'm having that moment now. I can't tell you how much I miss writing and I have been considering it a few times for the past few days. It's not like it would make a difference in my future but yeah it actually feels like I'm talking to someone. I just came to a conclusion that I am introverted. As much as I like being around with people, I just have this thing to being with myself. Excluding myself from unnecessary contact with people. It has its perks but yeah to be honest I do feel lonely sometimes. I wonder if I would even be able to find a date if I keep this up.

Which brings me to another thought I have... How would you know that the way you act around the person you deem to love to be your true self? I know that everyone have the sides that they like other people to see and there are the dark sides. It's so hard sometimes... As complicated as I deem myself to be, I might even be as simple as everyone out there. Its weird how we feel alone and so distinct but we're actually not. What we face and what others face might be different, but its the same thing. Do you get it? I find myself to not be able to show my true self to people because it's such a fragile thing to do. What you give might not always what you get back, you know? I wish it was easy to find someone that can understand you from deep down...

I have no idea what I should do to keep myself out there. Even now I feel like I've been pushing myself away from the crowd a little too much. I really do want to have a healthy social life like everyone else but its just so hard for me. I can't trust people easily. A glass comes either shattered or cracked, either way you would get hurt. Its been a long time since I've written this much huh? I surprise myself from time to time. I don't know why I'm just unmotivated to do anything for the past few weeks. I am not depressed, well at least from what I can tell so far...

As much as you want others to see you standing tall and chin high up, you know that you need someone to support you when you face the hard times right? To be honest I don't really know what to do anymore... I want to be confident, to be able to socialize and etc, but there's a part of me that's always saying this won't work.

This knot I have in my mind is so hard to undo. Its either me leaving it be or try to do something about it. I have to confess my weakness; I can't tolerate broken hearts or ill-treatments. I don't want to see someone get hurt because of me. I just think that I'm not good enough... That's a sucker.

I have to end it here for tonight...

I hope you guys have a good day!
Mizan Ahmad.

Memories

Hi guys,

I hope you guys are well. Now what I'm gonna write in this post is what pains me the most.You know those moments where a scent can make you remember a part of your memory? Regardless if its good or bad? Its not necessarily a scent but for me today, its a song. It reminded me of grief, heartbreak and sorrow. 

What happened was I was working earlier today and was about to finish my shift where a song came up... "I can't make you love me"

I remember hearing this song a few months ago when I was in a really complicated situation. Indeed, when the memories came back, the pain tagged along. Suddenly, after a few months of not feeling depressed about this... it sort of rose back from the dead. Its just a temporary feeling but still I bet you guys can definitely relate to this. 

That's it this time... 

Thanks for reading.

Cruelty

What do you deem as an act that's so cruel that you can actually feel your heart in pain?

Its so hard fighting your inner demons while your outer-self is fighting another battle.
Time was told to heal but no matter how long; the scars of the healed wound would remain untouched. Just as how you hurt someone, consequences will occur.

A list of what I have thought about that deserves a place in it:

1. Taking someone's time and effort just to leave them empty handed.
2. Holding onto someone with a leash just so you can feel better while knowing that someone does not deserve it.
3. Gain someone's trust just to leave it broken just like a million shards of broken glass.
4. Helping someone to get on their knees just to see them fall over again.
5. Leaving a gap in someone's life.
6. Having fun while not caring if ever the other person is suffering.
7. Make it hard for someone to learn how to trust again.

Now what I've just listed is not in any physical sense, but a more emotional and mental sense. I bet many can relate to these things listed above. Nobody deserves any of the mentioned stuff on that list. Of course it is hard for us to even imagine if we were ever to do these stuff to someone. Oh the irony...

The fact that we, ourselves are doing/had done the above mentioned cruelty is without a doubt at when we least realise it. Perhaps someone could be in denial or such, but this is agreeable to most people as for sure we have broken someone's heart before. Just to let you know how the person would feel; empty, broken, accompanied by not only grief but also the black dog which will follow him/her whenever they are alone and at their weakest.

We, under any circumstances, should avoid causing much more pain into each others' lives. Be the kind of person you'd like yourself to be. Hopefully this would shed some light to the issue of betrayal and heartbreaks.

Tick Tock The Clock Stops

Hello guys,

I hope you've been well. I've been sick for the couple of days and its my examination week.
Its just a few days before my flight back to KK. I can't wait to be back but I'm also reluctant to leave Melbourne even if its just for a month.

I've noticed some behavioural changes. Its not others but its me. I'm not sure if I'm overthinking or its those "psychology student self diagnosis" thing but yeah. Ever since I've started studying psychology, I can say that I'm more aware of my own wellbeing as well as others. Well it didn't really took me an instant to figure out if I'm currently depressed. It still took time for me to figure out what's wrong with myself or if I'm actually fine.

I noticed that I've been really impatient lately and my sleeping schedule changed as well as my appetite decreased. Maybe its the exam taking its toll on me but there are other personal stuff that happened just recently. I really wish I can help other people cope with depression and anxiety but at this stage all I can do is to be supportive to them. It takes patience but for sure, I know how it felt to be alone and not having anyone there to support me so at least I know I'm making their burden a bit less.

I'm actually not clinically diagnosed with depression, I just have that 'common cold' type of depression that comes and goes all the time and never really there to stay for a month. Well it did for a phase but I got over it years back. Now I can say that I'm currently only facing major depression (not diagnosed of course).

I know how people with depression think that nobody really understand what they're going through but the fact is that it is a common mental condition that people have. I actually overcame the hard phase by myself without really seeing a psychiatrist or a GP. Its just a gut feeling that if I avoid coffee, I don't get depressed and my body won't shake (I have a really sensitive anxiety trigger issue), in a way its also taste aversion. I also have the urge to go for a run when I feel the depression is kicking in and it did help. What I also drink when I feel my anxiety or depression kicking in is that I drink chocolate milk or any form of chocolate based drinks that I can get my hands on. People might think that "Nah these tips won't work", but trust me they do help.

Guys, if you have depression, you should try to talk about it with someone you trust. Keeping it in won't help you in anyway. That was the first mistake I did. Not trusting anyone about it. I wish you guys the best to stay mentally healthy as well as having the best time in your life.


Sincerely,
Mizan Ahmad.

Tranquility

Hello guys,

How have you guys been so far? Its been a long journey since I've first arrived here in Melbourne. I met a lot of people and I learned a lot too. Its just a month away until I graduate from Foundation studies. I'm off to study psychology on February at the same university. I only have a month worth of break and I'd have to come back to Melbourne.

The first year has been full of ups and downs. Thankfully I was able to manage. I hope my friends were able to do the same too where they're studying.
I don't wanna be all deep and depressing in this post so I'll just pretend I'm talking to you directly.

It's been really hot here in Melbourne, presumably since summer is finally here. It was 40 degrees yesterday and thankfully earlier this evening it rained. I wonder how the weather is back in KK....
A lot will be happening since its near the end of the trimester as well as since christmas and new year is just around the corner. I just can't wait for the course to end so I can enjoy cheap food and drive around the city like I'd normally do in KK.

This trimester, I only have to sit for 3 exams and do one final oral examination for a research design project. My flight is on Saturday but my last paper would be on Thursday. Better enjoy the few days before going back to Malaysia I guess. heh.

That's it for this post.
I wish you guys a happy holiday.

The Sky

Hello guys,

I know its been awhile.

I bet everyone have had those moments where you just feel empty in your heart.

It won't show when you're around people, it shows only when you're at the comfort of your room where you sit alone as your mind wanders to a place unreachable by man.

T

H

E

S

K

Y

To be honest, I don't really know why I named this post as "The Sky". It just happens to me that whenever my mind drifts into the darkness; there's one thing that I would always do. I look towards the sky. When I need comfort, I just look up and see how vast the sky is. When I feel like giving up, I look up to the sky and say to myself, that's the place I belong. No doubt my journey reaching there is filled with obstacles that I have to reroute myself for the sake of my family as well as myself.

Like all things have two sides; light and dark, hope and despair and many other things you can think of. Its the same for the sky. In the morning, you can see that the sky is a sign of hope for another chance to redeem yourself for the past and when its at night; even in the darkness there's light.

_______________________________________________________

You're lost. Your mind is adrift. All you feel is a hole inside your heart. A hole that can be felt by you and you only. You don't know what to feel. Everything seems to darken as you try to take control of yourself. The only way is to give in...

A moment after, your tears come flowing down. You feel the warmth of the tears; drop.  Its okay to feel sad. Its okay to feel empty. Even if there's no reason behind it. 

That's it for this one guys,

take care.

Shades of the Dying Tulip

Like a wilting flower, you grow weaker day by day.
Petal by petal, they dry off and fall. Just like how your spirit is.
No matter how hard you try to be strong, lifting your head and
chin from facing the pavement; perhaps you've been strong for too long.

For something that stood sternly and aimed nothing but to reach the sky,
you indeed have grown weak. The dew drops that is hanging on the edge
 of the leaf every dawn, feeling of wanting to hold it on and keep it in.
It falls, every time you try to, you have no control over it.
Those drops are like pearls; as precious as it is, sometimes its better to let go.