Tick Tock The Clock Stops

Hello guys,

I hope you've been well. I've been sick for the couple of days and its my examination week.
Its just a few days before my flight back to KK. I can't wait to be back but I'm also reluctant to leave Melbourne even if its just for a month.

I've noticed some behavioural changes. Its not others but its me. I'm not sure if I'm overthinking or its those "psychology student self diagnosis" thing but yeah. Ever since I've started studying psychology, I can say that I'm more aware of my own wellbeing as well as others. Well it didn't really took me an instant to figure out if I'm currently depressed. It still took time for me to figure out what's wrong with myself or if I'm actually fine.

I noticed that I've been really impatient lately and my sleeping schedule changed as well as my appetite decreased. Maybe its the exam taking its toll on me but there are other personal stuff that happened just recently. I really wish I can help other people cope with depression and anxiety but at this stage all I can do is to be supportive to them. It takes patience but for sure, I know how it felt to be alone and not having anyone there to support me so at least I know I'm making their burden a bit less.

I'm actually not clinically diagnosed with depression, I just have that 'common cold' type of depression that comes and goes all the time and never really there to stay for a month. Well it did for a phase but I got over it years back. Now I can say that I'm currently only facing major depression (not diagnosed of course).

I know how people with depression think that nobody really understand what they're going through but the fact is that it is a common mental condition that people have. I actually overcame the hard phase by myself without really seeing a psychiatrist or a GP. Its just a gut feeling that if I avoid coffee, I don't get depressed and my body won't shake (I have a really sensitive anxiety trigger issue), in a way its also taste aversion. I also have the urge to go for a run when I feel the depression is kicking in and it did help. What I also drink when I feel my anxiety or depression kicking in is that I drink chocolate milk or any form of chocolate based drinks that I can get my hands on. People might think that "Nah these tips won't work", but trust me they do help.

Guys, if you have depression, you should try to talk about it with someone you trust. Keeping it in won't help you in anyway. That was the first mistake I did. Not trusting anyone about it. I wish you guys the best to stay mentally healthy as well as having the best time in your life.


Sincerely,
Mizan Ahmad.

Tranquility

Hello guys,

How have you guys been so far? Its been a long journey since I've first arrived here in Melbourne. I met a lot of people and I learned a lot too. Its just a month away until I graduate from Foundation studies. I'm off to study psychology on February at the same university. I only have a month worth of break and I'd have to come back to Melbourne.

The first year has been full of ups and downs. Thankfully I was able to manage. I hope my friends were able to do the same too where they're studying.
I don't wanna be all deep and depressing in this post so I'll just pretend I'm talking to you directly.

It's been really hot here in Melbourne, presumably since summer is finally here. It was 40 degrees yesterday and thankfully earlier this evening it rained. I wonder how the weather is back in KK....
A lot will be happening since its near the end of the trimester as well as since christmas and new year is just around the corner. I just can't wait for the course to end so I can enjoy cheap food and drive around the city like I'd normally do in KK.

This trimester, I only have to sit for 3 exams and do one final oral examination for a research design project. My flight is on Saturday but my last paper would be on Thursday. Better enjoy the few days before going back to Malaysia I guess. heh.

That's it for this post.
I wish you guys a happy holiday.

The Sky

Hello guys,

I know its been awhile.

I bet everyone have had those moments where you just feel empty in your heart.

It won't show when you're around people, it shows only when you're at the comfort of your room where you sit alone as your mind wanders to a place unreachable by man.

T

H

E

S

K

Y

To be honest, I don't really know why I named this post as "The Sky". It just happens to me that whenever my mind drifts into the darkness; there's one thing that I would always do. I look towards the sky. When I need comfort, I just look up and see how vast the sky is. When I feel like giving up, I look up to the sky and say to myself, that's the place I belong. No doubt my journey reaching there is filled with obstacles that I have to reroute myself for the sake of my family as well as myself.

Like all things have two sides; light and dark, hope and despair and many other things you can think of. Its the same for the sky. In the morning, you can see that the sky is a sign of hope for another chance to redeem yourself for the past and when its at night; even in the darkness there's light.

_______________________________________________________

You're lost. Your mind is adrift. All you feel is a hole inside your heart. A hole that can be felt by you and you only. You don't know what to feel. Everything seems to darken as you try to take control of yourself. The only way is to give in...

A moment after, your tears come flowing down. You feel the warmth of the tears; drop.  Its okay to feel sad. Its okay to feel empty. Even if there's no reason behind it. 

That's it for this one guys,

take care.

Shades of the Dying Tulip

Like a wilting flower, you grow weaker day by day.
Petal by petal, they dry off and fall. Just like how your spirit is.
No matter how hard you try to be strong, lifting your head and
chin from facing the pavement; perhaps you've been strong for too long.

For something that stood sternly and aimed nothing but to reach the sky,
you indeed have grown weak. The dew drops that is hanging on the edge
 of the leaf every dawn, feeling of wanting to hold it on and keep it in.
It falls, every time you try to, you have no control over it.
Those drops are like pearls; as precious as it is, sometimes its better to let go.

Again

The world is moving so fast that you're not really sure

where you're standing at the moment. Everything is just too much for you to handle.

Its almost as if the world is suddenly becoming unfair, why only now?

And at times you feel that nobody can understand you;

nobody is there to stand by you when you need someone the most.

You're surrounded by people but all you can hear is the thoughts raging inside

your mind. Insecurity, loneliness & lost. Yes that's the word I was looking for....

L o s t.

I remembered about how it is;

when everything seems to be going well, its only the matter of time

for the wheel to turn and make everything upside down.

Who knows right?

This change that I have right now,

its good but at the same time I miss how it was back then.

All of those negative and deep thoughts running down from my veins to the edge

of my fingertips and onto writing.

Confused. I am so confused.

You suddenly don't know if you're doing the right thing,

although its what you've dreamt for since you're 15. 

Why must everything be so complicated when it seem so simple on the outside.

Sometimes you just wish to run away from everything but you know

that sooner or later you have to come back to face the monster that has been chasing you

all these years. Sometimes you just feel like screaming at the top of your lungs. That monster that you thought have given up on chasing you;

you never knew because you were too afraid to look back and just kept running until you

feel like that's enough. 

Sweet 18

Officially 18.

Its been 18 years, officially 18 years since I first came to this world. Within this 18 years I have managed to befriends with many good people and each are unique in their very own way. I wouldn't be where I am today it weren't for God Almighty and support from families and friends.

I never imagined myself to be studying abroad, to be able to be independent, to be writing, and much more when I was small. This is it, you can never foresee what's there for your future, all you have is the present and the present is all you need to make a better future. 

I feel thankful to have friends in Melbourne who are just awesome in every way. A surprise birthday song by the end of my psychology class was something I didn't expect to happen. Thanks to Darren, a friend of mine from Sibu. You know how awkward it is to have people singing a happy birthday song to you. I just smiled and didn't make eye-contact with anyone to avoid further awkwardness. Indeed this is a birthday worth remembering. A Korean friend of mine bought me dinner at Papparich and spent me a good ol time at the karaoke place. An Indonesian friend of mine bought me a boxful of cupcakes, the one in the lovely photo I prepared for you guys.

Love yourself, love the people around you and not to forget, love your family.

I know I posted this a day after my birthday, but I was too busy with friends. *haha*

Happy Birthday to anyone who's birthday is today!

Knowing

Sometimes you feel like you want to turn back time if you knew what you know now.
Its so hard sometimes, especially when you're making life changing decisions.

You don't want to be a burden to those around you,
so you put on a big smile everyday,
and all that turns when you're back in your own space.
Alone.