Patience

The tenderness of the soil after rain
Would bring hope for life awaiting to sprout
The dark skies will soon be illuminated by the stars
As with your life with true love

Confused

Your heart beat sound was loud enough to hear. Hands were shaking lightly that no one could notice but you. All of a sudden you feel as if the room was 10 times smaller than it really is. Struggling to breathe, you have to go away. You were surrounded with people but could pay attention to no one but yourself. You couldn't do anything.

Paper Boat

Drifting as the current carries you away. Not knowing where you would end up at but one thing for sure is that you are actually going somewhere. No control over your directions, you feel as if you are powerless and empowered at the same time. The skies turn dark and the waves are crashing harder than before. You wonder upon whether you would survive this. You look back at land and saw that there is nothing there to keep you from drifting even further away. All hopes and dreams faded the moment you were folded into the shape that you are. Just as you see a ray of light coming through the gloomy sky, a rock decided to keep you anchored. You feel a sense of relief as you have a friend to keep you company while the storm passes. Yet, like the storm, the rock decides to let go of you as soon as the sky turns blue again. 

Alone yet again, drifting... slowly fading... 

Until you can no longer hold the water from entering your body. You decide to let go. 

Sinking... slowly torn...

You feel finally at peace.

Try

I don't know why I bother trying. I find it pointless now.
I don't know why I'm writing this at 3am but I just feel like writing now.
There's a high possibility of me deleting this post in the future but let's just see how it goes.

I am trying that's all I can say. I don't know how much longer will I last but we'll see.
Trying to hold on to every bit of positivity you have left in your life. I'm not sure why I even try to because it's pointless.

I really miss writing tbh. I haven't been focusing in a lot of things lately. That, too, I don't know why.
Perhaps this is my "idk" stage of my life. I feel so tired of trying to do things I couldn't be bothered now even.

I guess that's one reason why I temporarily deactivated my instagram account. Not to say that I'm trying to achieve something but just that I feel tired because I feel that there's a constant stress of expectancies even though there aren't any. One reason why I've chosen not to tell anyone when I'll be back in KK this time. I just want things to myself.

I'm not sure what I want anymore now.

Kindred

Cold, hands numb;
One can never feel such.

Alone, in the dark;
Perhaps it was meant.

Understood, no one;
Mind was too much.

Grief, lost soul;
One can never retrieve.

Sacrifice, foolishly;
Perhaps for the wrong.

Labyrinth, forever;
Mind is indeed.

Mockingbird

Leaves begin to grow as spring finally arrives. There is no more sense of winter except for the cold breeze that would sometimes pass by. Perched on a branch, you see a bright glow in the sky but yet you see not the source of where the light is coming from. You begin to wonder how is it a little creature like you would survive in this horrid world. Alone, it is as if you no longer feel the comfort of another. Perhaps that is it...

You spread your wings just to get rid of the cold feeling you begin to have, shaking away as you do. Why is must it be this way? The coldness of winter has faded but yet you still feel cold, somewhere deep inside. Filling your lungs with the morning air, you feel every inch of your lungs expanding and there you feel a lump. A lump of which you know the source of the cold. A lump inside your heart.

You have been flying alone, and that you see others but yet they do not stick around. You try your best to have them at ease with your presence but what you do not know is that they are just there to find peace themselves and so they fly away once they have had their share.

What is it about being you that somehow pushes others away? You yourself ponder upon the same question for endless nights. Are you even relevant to this world? Would it be better to wither away like the leaves in autumn? The coldness that is in your heart begins to sink in... Freezing every single inch of your heart until you now feel nothing but a mere insignificant mockingbird.

April, oh April

Hello guys,

I hope you're well. You know how sometimes your hands just feel like writing something down because you haven't done so for a long time? I'm having that moment now. I can't tell you how much I miss writing and I have been considering it a few times for the past few days. It's not like it would make a difference in my future but yeah it actually feels like I'm talking to someone. I just came to a conclusion that I am introverted. As much as I like being around with people, I just have this thing to being with myself. Excluding myself from unnecessary contact with people. It has its perks but yeah to be honest I do feel lonely sometimes. I wonder if I would even be able to find a date if I keep this up.

Which brings me to another thought I have... How would you know that the way you act around the person you deem to love to be your true self? I know that everyone have the sides that they like other people to see and there are the dark sides. It's so hard sometimes... As complicated as I deem myself to be, I might even be as simple as everyone out there. Its weird how we feel alone and so distinct but we're actually not. What we face and what others face might be different, but its the same thing. Do you get it? I find myself to not be able to show my true self to people because it's such a fragile thing to do. What you give might not always what you get back, you know? I wish it was easy to find someone that can understand you from deep down...

I have no idea what I should do to keep myself out there. Even now I feel like I've been pushing myself away from the crowd a little too much. I really do want to have a healthy social life like everyone else but its just so hard for me. I can't trust people easily. A glass comes either shattered or cracked, either way you would get hurt. Its been a long time since I've written this much huh? I surprise myself from time to time. I don't know why I'm just unmotivated to do anything for the past few weeks. I am not depressed, well at least from what I can tell so far...

As much as you want others to see you standing tall and chin high up, you know that you need someone to support you when you face the hard times right? To be honest I don't really know what to do anymore... I want to be confident, to be able to socialize and etc, but there's a part of me that's always saying this won't work.

This knot I have in my mind is so hard to undo. Its either me leaving it be or try to do something about it. I have to confess my weakness; I can't tolerate broken hearts or ill-treatments. I don't want to see someone get hurt because of me. I just think that I'm not good enough... That's a sucker.

I have to end it here for tonight...

I hope you guys have a good day!
Mizan Ahmad.